Lock, Stock, and Two Film Geeks

Yes, this looks like an independent film

Well, it’s official. As of publishing, this column is legally able to buy porn and cigarettes.  On the internet, you see, weeks = years, so this week, Impossible is 18 years old. WOOOOOOOOO!!! Party time!  Send all your voting rights porn and cigarettes donations to the good people at Two Film Geeks.

Ah, who am I kidding? No one will send me money.  And if you did, the moderators would steal it for their drunken wino make out sessions podcasts.

This week I get to cover my first “Indie” movie.  Independent movie – for those of you not up on your film lingo.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind also has the honor of being the longest titled movie I’ve reviewed to date.  Man, this thing is just breaking records left and right.  And quit whining, you in the back. Avatar isn’t an indie film. Continue reading

This little piggy?

Amelie (2001) is a whimsical little film about a waitress and her struggle with isolation and quest to enrich and fulfill the lives of those around her.  With an infectious smile and a quirky presentation, this film was considered one of the best of 2001 – as it was nominated by the Academy in five categories and received an amazing amount of critical acclaim.

I will not be reviewing that movie.

Delicatessen, on the other hand, is a 99 minute film about cannibalism in a post-apocalyptic world.  Is that what you came here for?  To see me review this kind of sick, twisted, yet oddly funny movie about the dangers of eating other people?  Of course it is.  I always give you what you want.  I’m training you, you see?  Like Pavlov’s dogs.  Every Friday, you’ll come back to me begging for more food film propaganda.  You think it doesn’t work?  You’re here, aren’t you? Continue reading

No, this is not 2001. It's 2027.

Do you ever reach that point where you feel like you’ve run out of things to say?  Like you’ve written all there is on a certain subject and you just feel like giving up?  Like…you just wanted to finish with this stupid quest you stupidly decided to embark on for no reason other than to get the ladies to like you?  I haven’t.  I’m not a loser.

This week’s column covers one of my top ten favorite films of all time: Children of Men.  As such, I may or may not overcompensate in the not-funny joke area and not actually say anything productive in this article.  And to those of you who insist I never say anything productive – I’ll have you know that my article on A.I. saved a 4 year old Brazilian child from drowning last week.  What did your article do?  Oh, that’s right; you don’t write articles hard-hitting investigative reports. Continue reading

The girl at the top left is Dr. Frankenstein's actual Bride.

I’m sure by now you’re all wondering (especially if you’re a friend of mine) if it was YOUR wife I visited.  Odds are at some time this would be true – don’t hold it against them, it was probably my fault.  Ladies, don’t think this discounts you, too.  I attract husbands as well.

No, this week I’m revisiting our mad friend: the good Doctor Frankenstein.  The Bride of Frankenstein was released in 1935, only four years after the original, and clocks in at a very black and white 75 minutes.  For my personal biographers out there this is also my first review of a sequel.  So I don’t have mobs of reporters bothering me – yes, I’m happy to do it; no, it won’t affect the quality of my future columns; and yes, you can sleep with me for an interview.  I’ll get the champagne wine gin. Continue reading

Not the Will Smith movie...I Robot?

I have finally broken the cycle of reviewing post-apocalyptic films!  No nuclear explosions/dragons/ominous amnesia winds in this film.  No rescuing the president from downtown “prison” New York.”  Indeed – no end-of-the-world in sight.  Just simple robots wanting to live in peace.  And be left alone.  And to be understood by humans.

…Right.

So, this week is the pre-apocalyptic film A.I. Artificial Intelligence, we will examine why robots are evil, why child robots are creepy, and why I can never see Jude Law in the same way again.

My “review” this week is going to deviate from the normal format I’ve fallen into over the last thirteen articles.  NO MORE, I say.  Today, the history behind the film comes first, THEN the summary, then the rest of the crap you guys don’t read. Continue reading

Believe, deliver, and religion. feeling works too...

I’ve decided not to tell any jokes for you people this week.  I’m sick of being your little joke monkey, go find your own moderately insanely attractive columnist to chain up in your tool shed and only feed stray vermin to while dancing to Hansen’s Mmmbop in drag.  I DON’T WANT TO BE THAT GUY ANYMORE.

As a side note: the title is a little bit of a misnomer, I don’t have to practice kung fu.  I am kung fu.

This time I’m going to do something I’ve apparently subconsciously done for the past three articles: another post-apocalyptic film.  What is my fascination with the end of the world?  Who knows?  The Book of Eli came out like two or three weeks ago (I can’t be bothered to fact check), is 118 minutes long, and is the second science fiction film of the new decade.  That makes this the last film in my cycle of one movie per decade “random” choice pattern.  Congratulations to all who played. Continue reading

Coolest. Poster. Ever.

I know this title puts in your head perhaps the most awesome image of all time, but please, I need you to settle down.  This column isn’t going to write itself.  I say that because I’ll be damned if I let some tin can machine robot monster take my job.  Even if it can do it more efficiently and always on time and better and grammatically correct – er.  Unfortunately, you’re stuck with me.  And I’m stuck with you.

Reign of Fire was a movie made in the past (2002) about the future (2008) which is now our past.  If you’re confused, raise your hand.  You, you, and you – get out.  There’s no room in this class for idiots.  The movie is 102 minutes short and has dragons in it.  Do I really need to write the rest of this review/article?  The things I do to make you people happy. Continue reading

I think the thing in the background is a robot.

Posting this from Vegas, ladies…try to keep it cool.

I’m writing this week’s column to the most epic soundtrack ever: Spice World The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.  So, if you want to follow along, children, you know what to do.  Head over to Youtube and start some Italian Western Music – it totally fits with the movie that I’m going to review for you!  I know what you all may be thinking, there are no Italian Science Fiction films, Fil.  You’re WRONG.  I forgive you, though, cuz I’m cool like that.  This week, I’m going to look at a Japanese Anime.

A Wind Named Amnesia came out when I was eight years old, if you want to do the math, I was born in 1985 – I’m not going to help you.  For more math – the film is 80 minutes long, and who wants to tell me how long it is in epochs?  Anyone?  HAH you fools, trick question!  An epoch is a subjective measure of time! (But then, the scientists would say, so are all measures of time.)

The film is centered around a day when a Wind blew and made every human in the world get amnesia instantaneously…AT THE SAME TIME.  Essentially, this reduces all of mankind to primitive creatures with no capacity for anything more than instinct.  I’m sure there’s a clever joke in there somewhere, but I’m definitely too lazy for it. Continue reading

Cloverfield totally didn't rip this off

Another week another column.  Apparently, there are a lot more science fiction movies that I had previously thought, according to Wikipedia.  I figured there may be like 2-3 per decade MAX.  Turns out there’s like 20 per YEAR.  Who could have known, right?

So, the 1980s have finally rolled around in my little random movie generator.  Yes, I have a very sophisticated method of picking which movies make the cut for this first round of columns.  Maybe I’ll tell you someday, when you’re old enough.  For now, the movie is Escape from New York.  The time: 1997 (now, the past future, and our real life past).  The awesome eye patch?  Luxurious hair?  Another movie with crazy gang members who do crazy stuff for no reason at all?  I THINK SO. Continue reading

I always thought he had just finished slicing an orange with the knife...

You’d think after taking a vacation for New Year’s I’d be happy to be back here helping telling you all what to think about movies.  As it turns out, being chained to your computer desk for two weeks with no food or running water isn’t a very good vacation.  Journalism never sleeps, my friends.  What I do is journalism right?

Anyways, this week it’s back to my normal reviews of movies that are older than I am.  A Clockwork Orange was made in 1971 – so that’s like…thirty-seven years before my time.  No wait, thirty-eight.  This movie is fun to watch by yourself at 4 in the morning when you’re able to really immerse yourself in the terrible realities Kubrick (Stanley, not the Japanese block-building toy of the same name) throws into your mind.  Nothing like a little existential pondering to make you fall comfortably asleep.

Wow, writing those two opening paragraphs was murder.  Remind me never to take a vacation again.

Continue reading