Lock, Stock, and Two Film Geeks

New tradition: after every ten articles, I get a week off.  No arguments from the little people.  Or my superiors.  You can have my badge and my gun if you want, but I need some Fil time.  Interesting little tidbit too – this is the first in a two-part series on sci-fi movies that have to do with shrinking.  Excited?  No?  Fine, you can just get the hell out.  I don’t need riffraff like you reading my column.  I’m famous, dammit.

This week (possibly even last week) I watched Honey, I Shrunk the Kids…93 minutes and released in 1989.  For the record, my editor was five months old when this was released.  I was 4.  So anyways, the movie comes from Disney, which decided that it wanted a movie about shrinkage (haha).  Originally they bought the script which was called Teenie Weenies, which execs rightfully thought might sound too kidsy – so they changed it to The Big Backyard, which was a little better, but not by much.  Eventually someone decided that was lame too and the movie was renamed again.  I’d also like to say that Teenie Weenies as a title might have brought in business from people mistaking the title for something else. Continue reading

This week, we have dinosaurs

I’m in the double X’s now.  I’m cracking open a Mexican brew as we speak to celebrate.  Do you want me to make a “Most Interesting Man in the World” joke?  I find myself unmoved by such an obvious and datable pop culture reference.  And beer doesn’t have anything to do with this week’s movie.  Oh god, where did I go so horribly wrong?  The lack of effort put forth in making this article a reality is over(under?)whelming.  I don’t even seem to care anymore.  What does XX stand for, like 2,000 right?  God, I’ve been doing this forever.

In case you hadn’t figured it out, this week’s movie is the black and white film Gojira.  Or for you English speakers out there – Godzilla.  I watched this movie with subtitles rather than with dubbing because I didn’t want to force myself to reference the terrible and clichéd dubbing that happens with kaiju films.  That’s not to say that the subbing was the most amazing translation either, there were some problems there, as well.  But whatever, the bottom line is I watched the film as it originally came out in 1958 – while surfing Facebook and texting all my friends fly honeys. Continue reading

Ewwwwwwwwww

For those of you who are wondering, yes, I had to ask someone yahoo answers how to make the nineteen in Roman numerals.  What a stupid numbering system.  You’d probably have to do the same.  And if you don’t, then you should probably write a novel.  You’re too smart to be reading this column.

You should all really thank me – my original plan was to review Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, but I decided that it would be better to leave that to another time.  Or, it could possibly be that I didn’t mail my last Netflix movie back in time to receive it.  It’s kind of like a Schrodinger equation – there’s a fifty/fifty chance of either happening, but right now, they are both happening at the same time.

Good lord am I tired.  The FREEview this week (clever, I know) is on the 85 minute long 1986 film From Beyond.   All my coolest fans will recognize this as an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s short story of the same name.  If any of you actually did recognize it – call me immediately, I need to marry you. Continue reading

Yes, that is Michael Cera with a flaming katana.

Summer is almost upon us, and I can’t help but admit this is my favorite time of year for movies.  I dig me a well made blockbuster.  So, what do we have to look forward to?  Well, quite a bit actually.  I took a look, starting with April and ending in August, to see what’s coming down the pipe and found at least fifteen or twenty movies that I’ll probably be seeing.  But there’s five HUGE movies that for me are completely unmissable.  See them after the jump. Continue reading

Yes, this looks like an independent film

Well, it’s official. As of publishing, this column is legally able to buy porn and cigarettes.  On the internet, you see, weeks = years, so this week, Impossible is 18 years old. WOOOOOOOOO!!! Party time!  Send all your voting rights porn and cigarettes donations to the good people at Two Film Geeks.

Ah, who am I kidding? No one will send me money.  And if you did, the moderators would steal it for their drunken wino make out sessions podcasts.

This week I get to cover my first “Indie” movie.  Independent movie – for those of you not up on your film lingo.  Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind also has the honor of being the longest titled movie I’ve reviewed to date.  Man, this thing is just breaking records left and right.  And quit whining, you in the back. Avatar isn’t an indie film. Continue reading

The 82^nd Academy Awards ran smoothly on 8 Sunday 2010 with your run of the mill hits, misses and oddities.  Kicking off the event was not hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin, but Neal Patrick Harris, who lead a music number about how two hosts are better than one.  Although Harris’ charisma was infectious, the number itself was pretty mediocre; not bad, but not memorable either.  This statement pretty much sums up this year’s Oscars.

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Film criticism, they say, is dying.  Not great news for professional critics far from retirement, nor for those of us eying the profession for the future.  Yet with the advent of the Internet and entertainment journalism turning into gaudy gossip columns, film criticism’s relevancy is being questioned.

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Let’s keep this short and sweet.  Here are my (James) predictions for today’s oscar ceremony.  Before I get started, let me list the nominees, across all catagories, for which I am working off first hand knowledge (which is quite a few).

• Avatar
• District 9
• An Education
• The Hurt Locker
• Inglourious Basterds
• A Serious Man
• Up
• Up in the Air
• Crazy Heart
• A Single Man
• The Last Station
• Julie & Julia
• Coraline
• The Fantastic Mr. Fox
• The Princess and the Frog
• In the Loop
• The White Ribbon
• Sherlock Holmes
• Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
• Bright Star
• Star Trek
• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Allright, with that done, let’s get started with the nominations.  I’ve underlined the films I think will win, and I’ve italicized the nominees I prefer the most. Continue reading

This little piggy?

Amelie (2001) is a whimsical little film about a waitress and her struggle with isolation and quest to enrich and fulfill the lives of those around her.  With an infectious smile and a quirky presentation, this film was considered one of the best of 2001 – as it was nominated by the Academy in five categories and received an amazing amount of critical acclaim.

I will not be reviewing that movie.

Delicatessen, on the other hand, is a 99 minute film about cannibalism in a post-apocalyptic world.  Is that what you came here for?  To see me review this kind of sick, twisted, yet oddly funny movie about the dangers of eating other people?  Of course it is.  I always give you what you want.  I’m training you, you see?  Like Pavlov’s dogs.  Every Friday, you’ll come back to me begging for more food film propaganda.  You think it doesn’t work?  You’re here, aren’t you? Continue reading

No, this is not 2001. It's 2027.

Do you ever reach that point where you feel like you’ve run out of things to say?  Like you’ve written all there is on a certain subject and you just feel like giving up?  Like…you just wanted to finish with this stupid quest you stupidly decided to embark on for no reason other than to get the ladies to like you?  I haven’t.  I’m not a loser.

This week’s column covers one of my top ten favorite films of all time: Children of Men.  As such, I may or may not overcompensate in the not-funny joke area and not actually say anything productive in this article.  And to those of you who insist I never say anything productive – I’ll have you know that my article on A.I. saved a 4 year old Brazilian child from drowning last week.  What did your article do?  Oh, that’s right; you don’t write articles hard-hitting investigative reports. Continue reading